So Nicole (my girlfriend) came home about an hour ago, stepped out of her car, and started walking back to the house across the parking lot of our townhouse community. All of a sudden a groundhog comes galloping up to her from under the stoop of a house in the next block. Nicole starts to run towards the house and the groundhog just kept coming after her. She turns and throws her empty coffee thermal cup at it and hits in the head. It shakes it off and keeps coming at her. She starts screaming my name and runs to the door of the house. While continuing to scream my name she turns and starts swinging her heavy backpack filled with books at the varment and hits it. That's how close it got.
I heard her screaming and knew right away what was happening because earlier in the morning I went outside to try and get a woodpecker to stop jackhammering the metal chimney stack at the top of our townhouse. I saw our neighbor outside starting to do yard work and she had said the groundhog had been in her front foliage and had tried to get under our front stoop to hide. I didn't think twice about it at the time because that groundhog family had been living in our neighborhood for years and I've had many sightings. So back to the present . . .
I ran to the front door opened it and see her swinging at this groundhog that is just a couple of feet in front of her. I do what every strong, verile boyfriend would do and yell, "GET!!!" I was really surprised how close this mangie thing was to her. So I grabbed Nicole and shoved her inside and immediately followed her. The groundhog starts to try and get under our stoop to hide, but did not fit. By this time Nicole was hysterically upset. I console her and try and calm her down.
We finally both calm down and go back to the front door and look out safely through the glass storm door to see where the groundhog went. Nicole spots it rummaging in some trash that some inconsiderate neighbor had left out on a non-trash-day. At this point, the postman pulls up and starts to distribute the mail in to the multi-box from his vehicle. The groundhog is about 12 feet from the vehicle. The postman points like "look at the cuddly groundhog" and makes a noise to get its attention. The groundhog looks up and starts to charge the postman. He jumped a bit in his seat and the groundhog goes right up to him and slips under the truck, comes out the other end and saunters up the hill across the street.
We continue to watch the groundhog and lose him in the brush at the top of the hill. Nicole states that she is not leaving the house until the groundhog is removed from the neighborhood. She calls animal control and the guy on the other end says, "are you sure it wasn't just a raccoon?" Just a raccoon?? Nicole, says, "no, it definitely was a groundhog. it was very close." The guy says they will send someone out shortly.
Soon after we spot the culprit in the street again and he's heading back to the same stoop he started the chase from. We watch him go under the stoop which is obviously his home. We continue to stake out his location from afar and continue to try and calm down from the adventure.
The animal control van pulls up. I go out to greet him and Nicole walks over tenatively after a minute or so. I start telling the story and let Nicole continue when she arrives . . "so I threw my mug at it and . . . Dan? Dan Burger?? Hey, how are you?" Nicole and Dan B. the animal control officer went to George Mason University together and had just become friends on Facebook a week earlier.
So after the short reunion. Dan B. tells us that the behavior could be rabies, but it is mating season so he may be just protecting his brood. Nicole made some reference to her menstrual cycle at this point and we all chuckled.
We pointed out the location where the groundhog was hiding and Dan B. walked over to investigate. He takes out a telescoping poking instrument and roots around under the stoop. After about 30 seconds he stands back up and turns to walk back to his van and the ground hog crawls out from under the stoop and starts charging Dan B. The Animal Control Man. I yell, "there he is!!" Dan B. turns around and starts walking backwards and the groundhog keeps coming at him. He wacks the groundhog in the side with the poking thingy really hard. The groundhog tries to attack the stick but then goes after Dan B. again. I look over at Nicole really quick to make sure she was alright. She just stood there astonished.
POW!!!!!! I turned back to Dan B. and he's holstering his gun and the groundhog ran towards the stoop and tried to crawl under. Nicole looks at me and says, "must've been a blank to scare him off." Dan B. quickly runs over and stomps on the back foot of the groundhog and starts pulling on the tail. He points to me and motions me over. He digs in his pocket and holds out the keys to me. He says, "it's got rabies. go into the side door of the van and grab the metal tongs tool in the cabinet and a cage." I run over and try to unlock the van, but can't get it unlocked. I look over and Dan B. is struggling to keep the groundhog from escaping. I finally figure out the lock and get in to the van. I'm looking everywhere for the tongs. I look over and there's a pitbull in a cage about a foot from my face. I stop for a second and then say, "hi, puppy." I remember he said cabinet and I look over and open the cabinet and grab the tongs. I run over and hand him the handle to the tongs and put the cage close to him. I look back at the van and Nicole is aying hello to the pitbull which begins to bark wildly at her. She asks, "do you have the keys?" I nod and she closes the door of the van.
I step back and watch Dan B. wrestle the groundhog from under the stoop. The groundhog is almost out and starts screaming in a high pitched squeal. Dan B. picks it up by the tail and finds a way to drop it in to the cage and close the door. He ties the door shut narrowly averting being nipped by the angry groundhog.
Dan B. scrapes at a hole in the grass with the toe of his shoe and just chuckles a bit. I said, "don't worry about that. This yard sucks anyway." I didn't realize at the time that he had actually shot at the groundhog and only grazed it. So the hole in the grass was actually a bullet.
The groundhog had mud caked on its furr and I mentioned that it is smaller than the one I saw wandering the neighborhood in the past. Dan B. tells me that since the groundhog was sick they will lose their mass quickly and that typically animals with rabies will only last about ten days before they die. He also said, that groundhogs typically keep themselves very clean, so the caked mud is a sign that it had rabies too. He said, this one definitely has rabies and will be put down.
Some neighbors were loitering about at this time and we told them about the adventure. We're very glad that no kids were out playing or pets were running around or this could have had a much worse outcome. I'm glad Nicole was strong enough to fight off the groundhog and recognize the strange behavior quick enough to do something about it.
So the moral of the story is . . . trust your instincts and call animal control if you think an animal is acting weird. I never would have thought there would be a rabid animal in my neighborhood, but it happens.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
a lemon of an economy
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. But what if life gave you only one lemon and you're expected to use the same lemon over and over to make lemonade to survive.
response to Marketplace story
http://www.publicradio.org/columns/marketplace/scratchpad/2009/03/geithner_on_marketplace.html
I liked the skydiving analogy used at the top of the show. However, you left out the fact that all of the golden parachutes had been grabbed by the "first class" passengers and flight crew that "bailed out" safely and landed safe and sound without a care about who they left behind. The new Obama/Geithner crew are left behind to help us sew up the remaining parachutes and go two at a time out the door to lighten the load of worthless cargo left behind by the navigators that had a bad flight plan in the first place. I'm just hoping those of us that may still be in the plane without a parachute will have a safe landing. I hope Geithner has taken lessons from Capt. "Sully".
I liked the skydiving analogy used at the top of the show. However, you left out the fact that all of the golden parachutes had been grabbed by the "first class" passengers and flight crew that "bailed out" safely and landed safe and sound without a care about who they left behind. The new Obama/Geithner crew are left behind to help us sew up the remaining parachutes and go two at a time out the door to lighten the load of worthless cargo left behind by the navigators that had a bad flight plan in the first place. I'm just hoping those of us that may still be in the plane without a parachute will have a safe landing. I hope Geithner has taken lessons from Capt. "Sully".
Standup material
I was skeptical but I finally bought into the whole Daylight Savings Time and ended up losing an hour. Damn economy.
I was abducted by aliens the other day. Damn Mexicans.
I was abducted by aliens the other day. Damn Mexicans.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
We're All Suffering
I'm standing in a long line at a Subway sandwich shop realizing that if they had scheduled more than two workers then I wouldn't have to wait 15 minutes to get a sandwich with as much meat in it as a Kraft lunchable. People need jobs but businesses won't hire because of the added expense. What a waste of time. Gotta go now my two scoops of tuna are waiting.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Loss Prevention Part 1
When I first moved to the Washington DC area (Northern Virginia really) in 1992 I stayed with my brother and his then girlfriend in a one bedroom apartment in Fairfax, VA. This happens alot in the DC area because housing prices are ridiculous here. I got a position as a Manager in Training at the Sam Goody music store (The Musicland Group went bankrupt a while back.) The hours sucked but I learned alot about retail management and ended up with a pretty decent jazz cd collection due to samples and the employee discount. So as part of my management training I was taught how to identify characteristics of shoplifting. We'd constantly find evidence of swiped CD's and Cassettes in the store and we had to catalog everything we found to try and track what type of losses we incurred.
My first encounter with preventing this type of loss (actual shoplifting) was on a very busy weekend during the holiday shopping period. I was stationed in the middle of the store and was mostly there to help folks find what they needed and keep the CD browsers organized. I was doing a typical scan of the store when I noticed three teenage girls snickering in the back of the store at the rock t-shirt rack next to those stupid poster panels that you flip one at a time to see different ignorant posters. I was good at blending in with the crowd (that's just the way I roll) and so I stood and watched them for a minute or so and all of sudden there it was. One of the girls slipped a shirt off the hanger on the rack and stuffed it in to her large shopping bag. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was such a trusting and naive soul back then. So I glanced away and looked back and one of the other girls did the exact same move with a black long sleeved t-shirt. Just then one of our part-time workers walked by me. I grabbed her arm, stared her directly in the eye and said, "go back to the office right now and tell Dale to meet me at the front of the store immediately." Her eyebrows raised and she said, "ok."
Dale was the Store Manager and he was a cocky guy that loved to chew tobacco. It was difficult to like the guy. The office was an elevated office in back with a one way mirror window so managers could watch the crowd but the customers can't see in the window.
I kept my eye on the three girls and made my way to the front of the store and stood at the large open doorway. The girls were making their way to the front from the side aisle to try and avoid being noticed. Just as they got to the front I moved closer to the group and as soon as they stepped out of the store I said, "excuse me!" in a loud voice. They stopped dead in their tracks. I stepped up to the closest girl reached for her shopping bag and said, "can I see your receipt for the items you have in your bag?" She stood motionless with the fear of God on her face. One of the other girls bolted into the busy mall. The third girl hesitated, looked at her friend standing next to me, looked at me, and I just shook my head as to say, "don't do it" (I used to be a junior high band director in a public school. The look comes in handy every so often.) She backed up a bit and I moved closer to her and reached for her bag. She stopped and I motioned for them to step back in to the store. By this time, Dale had made his way to the doorway and took the bag from me and I said, "these girls have items in their bags they did not pay for." Dale looked at them and said, "let's go back to the office." He told me to stay on the floor and manage the store while he dealt with the girls. The part-time workers all knew what was going on and they looked at me like I was the man. Little did they know how true that statement was.
About 15 minutes later, two mall security officers showed up with the second girl (the one that bolted into the mall) who was balling her eyes out by now and made their way to the back of the store to the office. They were in there for about 10 minutes when the cops showed up and made their way back there. 20 minutes later we had a trickle of store managers from around the mall coming in and out of the store. About an hour later three sets of parents showed up.
The girls, parents, and cops all left out the back utility door and Dale finally emerged from the back office. He walked up to me with a huge smile on his face and told me the girls had ripped off close to 20 stores in the mall in one way or another and had about $5,000 worth of inventory in their bags. I couldn't believe it.
So what was my reward for this good deed?
I ended up having to drive clear across town several times to provide my testimony to a judge/mediator of the case. The parents asked me to go easy on them and I just looked at them and said, "it's not up to me." "I'm just telling how it happened and what I saw." I never found out what kind of sentences they received, if any, and I've never really cared.
Sam Goody did promote me to Manager of another store soon after the holiday rush was over, but because they only raised a worker's salary based on longevity, I only got a $2,000 a year raise from $13,000 to $15,000. That's right. I was working about 70 hours a week and making just over $4 an hour.
Well, soon after becoming manager of the Springfield Mall Sam Goody, my second encounter with shoplifting came to pass . . . .
My first encounter with preventing this type of loss (actual shoplifting) was on a very busy weekend during the holiday shopping period. I was stationed in the middle of the store and was mostly there to help folks find what they needed and keep the CD browsers organized. I was doing a typical scan of the store when I noticed three teenage girls snickering in the back of the store at the rock t-shirt rack next to those stupid poster panels that you flip one at a time to see different ignorant posters. I was good at blending in with the crowd (that's just the way I roll) and so I stood and watched them for a minute or so and all of sudden there it was. One of the girls slipped a shirt off the hanger on the rack and stuffed it in to her large shopping bag. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was such a trusting and naive soul back then. So I glanced away and looked back and one of the other girls did the exact same move with a black long sleeved t-shirt. Just then one of our part-time workers walked by me. I grabbed her arm, stared her directly in the eye and said, "go back to the office right now and tell Dale to meet me at the front of the store immediately." Her eyebrows raised and she said, "ok."
Dale was the Store Manager and he was a cocky guy that loved to chew tobacco. It was difficult to like the guy. The office was an elevated office in back with a one way mirror window so managers could watch the crowd but the customers can't see in the window.
I kept my eye on the three girls and made my way to the front of the store and stood at the large open doorway. The girls were making their way to the front from the side aisle to try and avoid being noticed. Just as they got to the front I moved closer to the group and as soon as they stepped out of the store I said, "excuse me!" in a loud voice. They stopped dead in their tracks. I stepped up to the closest girl reached for her shopping bag and said, "can I see your receipt for the items you have in your bag?" She stood motionless with the fear of God on her face. One of the other girls bolted into the busy mall. The third girl hesitated, looked at her friend standing next to me, looked at me, and I just shook my head as to say, "don't do it" (I used to be a junior high band director in a public school. The look comes in handy every so often.) She backed up a bit and I moved closer to her and reached for her bag. She stopped and I motioned for them to step back in to the store. By this time, Dale had made his way to the doorway and took the bag from me and I said, "these girls have items in their bags they did not pay for." Dale looked at them and said, "let's go back to the office." He told me to stay on the floor and manage the store while he dealt with the girls. The part-time workers all knew what was going on and they looked at me like I was the man. Little did they know how true that statement was.
About 15 minutes later, two mall security officers showed up with the second girl (the one that bolted into the mall) who was balling her eyes out by now and made their way to the back of the store to the office. They were in there for about 10 minutes when the cops showed up and made their way back there. 20 minutes later we had a trickle of store managers from around the mall coming in and out of the store. About an hour later three sets of parents showed up.
The girls, parents, and cops all left out the back utility door and Dale finally emerged from the back office. He walked up to me with a huge smile on his face and told me the girls had ripped off close to 20 stores in the mall in one way or another and had about $5,000 worth of inventory in their bags. I couldn't believe it.
So what was my reward for this good deed?
I ended up having to drive clear across town several times to provide my testimony to a judge/mediator of the case. The parents asked me to go easy on them and I just looked at them and said, "it's not up to me." "I'm just telling how it happened and what I saw." I never found out what kind of sentences they received, if any, and I've never really cared.
Sam Goody did promote me to Manager of another store soon after the holiday rush was over, but because they only raised a worker's salary based on longevity, I only got a $2,000 a year raise from $13,000 to $15,000. That's right. I was working about 70 hours a week and making just over $4 an hour.
Well, soon after becoming manager of the Springfield Mall Sam Goody, my second encounter with shoplifting came to pass . . . .
Monday, February 2, 2009
Superbowl Slips Away
As exciting as the Superbowl was last night, I really don't think it would have been that exciting if the field conditions were better. Most of the exciting stuff happened because defenders slipped on the artificial turf. Plus, I'm not sure Santonio Holmes' Toe-Tappin' Touchdown really was a touchdown. If it was a normal field than we might have seen some grass fly up to show that the other toe hit the ground or not. I believe the back toe never touched because his legs were crossed and one foot was riding on top of the other foot. If you cross your legs you'll notice that one toe is higher than the other. I really don't care about who won (I'm a Denver Broncos fan) but I don't like games that important decided on so little evidence. Trust me a month from now it will be tough to remember who was even playing the game anyway.
A Sub-Prime Groundhogs Day
I suspect when they go to Puxatawny Phil's hollow this morning to find out whether he sees his shadow that they will find a foreclosure sign outside his front entrance and a pink slip inside his little mailbox. Looks like 6 more weeks of bailouts.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
All You Have to do is Imagine It . . .
. .. and someone will make it happen in YouTube.
Nicole (my girlfriend) and I went to the We Are One concert on the National Mall the Sunday prior to the inauguration and afterwards as we were making our way back home and we were discussing the concert and what happened, this exact comic opportunity flashed into my head and of course, I just found it on YouTube. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIAgIsnYV60&feature=related
Nicole (my girlfriend) and I went to the We Are One concert on the National Mall the Sunday prior to the inauguration and afterwards as we were making our way back home and we were discussing the concert and what happened, this exact comic opportunity flashed into my head and of course, I just found it on YouTube. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIAgIsnYV60&feature=related
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Poker LESSEN from "The Telemarketer"
I've played poker for more than 5 years now and I've learned a lot of lessons the hard way. Some of these lessons may seem obvious to a serious poker player, but I've been writing them down for my own reference and as a reminder of what not to do. Obviously this will be an ongoing feature of my blog and I hope it will help you become a better poker player or at least win more money from me.
My poker nickname is The Telemarketer. I am not a telemarketer in real life, but I call myself The Telemarketer at the poker tables because I'm the guy at the table that just keeps calling, and keeps calling, and keeps calling. It's my style of play and it usually gets me in trouble more than it helps me win, but I'm committed to my persona.
Lessen #1: Focus on the Table NOT Your Hand
Don’t get so excited about any two card hand. You must “take in” and accept what’s going on at the table and with the other players before you can discover whether your excitement is warranted or not. At a cheap tournament ($40 buy-in) at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas in the fall of 2008 I was dealt a pocket pair of 10’s. It was very early in the tournament and the players seemed pretty inexperienced to me. So I was calling these big bets from 3 of the other players and didn’t take a moment to read the table before calling. I was too excited about what I was dealt. I ended up going all-in before the flop and when the cards were turned over other the three hands showed: KJ; KJ; and AA. A Queen and a King came out in the flop and the rest of the community cards were numbers other than 10. I was the first to be knocked out of the 30 person tournament. It’s a lesson that could become an expensive one if I don’t learn it soon.
My poker nickname is The Telemarketer. I am not a telemarketer in real life, but I call myself The Telemarketer at the poker tables because I'm the guy at the table that just keeps calling, and keeps calling, and keeps calling. It's my style of play and it usually gets me in trouble more than it helps me win, but I'm committed to my persona.
Lessen #1: Focus on the Table NOT Your Hand
Don’t get so excited about any two card hand. You must “take in” and accept what’s going on at the table and with the other players before you can discover whether your excitement is warranted or not. At a cheap tournament ($40 buy-in) at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas in the fall of 2008 I was dealt a pocket pair of 10’s. It was very early in the tournament and the players seemed pretty inexperienced to me. So I was calling these big bets from 3 of the other players and didn’t take a moment to read the table before calling. I was too excited about what I was dealt. I ended up going all-in before the flop and when the cards were turned over other the three hands showed: KJ; KJ; and AA. A Queen and a King came out in the flop and the rest of the community cards were numbers other than 10. I was the first to be knocked out of the 30 person tournament. It’s a lesson that could become an expensive one if I don’t learn it soon.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
They Caught Him by the Organ
So back in 1993 or 1994 I worked at Jordan Kitts Music in the Springfield Mall selling pianos and organs. The store isn't there anymore and I think JKM went bankrupt. In any case, it was a typical weekend day. I was "front pumping" (the fine art of playing fun tunes at the front of the store to attract attention to how easy it is to play the hobby organ with just a couple of fingers -- I was an expert at it.) A gentleman of middle eastern descent, from what I could tell, walks up to me and asks whether we carry the Technics line of organs. I said, "but of course" (in my finest Grey Poupon accent) and did as I was trained . . . turn away from the customer, begin walking to the back of the store, wave your hand in a come hither manner over your shoulder, and never, ever look back. If you look back you are allowing the customer the opportunity to say "nevermind" and walk in the opposite direction. Trust me it works everytime. I've only seen a few rare instances that the salesperson ends up in the back of the store alone wondering where their customer went.
I sat down at the midline model of Technics organs and played him a spectacular version of Down by the Riverside with the backup band playing in a New Orleans style dixieland band swing including scooping the notes to give him the autoplay ride of his life. He let me get to the final closing kick (done flawlessly by the organ Ending button.) He immediately said, "yes, I'd like to buy this one." This is what in salesmen's vernacular is called a "lay down" (I understand the history of that phrase comes from the act of asking a girl if she would like to have sex with you and she immediately removes her clothing, lays down in front of you, and spreads her legs. Now you have a good understanding of how rare an occurrence this is in sales terms.)
I tried not to act too surprised and fell back on my training again and delivered a rarely used closer . . . "Great! How would you like to pay for it?" he asked, "Do you take money orders?" All I heard was "Do you take blah blah blah blah?" because in my head the words "but, of course" were already formed in my mouth.
I sat down at the table and began to ask him for his contact information, he said "Let me complete it for you." Remember, the customer is always right. So I handed him the contract and waited patiently for him to complete it. He handed me the order form and the money orders. I was trying very hard not to have the shit eating grin on my face that would perfectly express my emotions. He then asked, "would you help me take it to my car?" My eyebrows went straight up because we usually have to setup delivery and wait until the day it is delivered and signed for before we get paid our commission. Having someone come in and buy an organ and then walk out with it was money in the bank. I said, "but, of course" more like John Cleese that time.
I placed the same organ I demonstrated on a cart unplugged it and rolled it into the mall following him to the glass doors on the other side of the mall. I looked a bit ridiculous, but I was used to that (refer back to the definition of "front pumping.") He held the door for me and his car was already illegally parked at the curb. He opened the door and I carefully placed it in his car. I then waved goodbye to him, his wife, his new organ, and all of the bags of goodies they had bought in the mall as they all rode off together into the sunset. I walked back in the glass doors carrying the cart back to the store. Done deal. Sweet!!
Just then, not ten steps back in the mall, a guy runs up to me with a walkie talkie in his hands gasping for breath. He says, "that guy you just helped out with the keyboard" gasp gasp "did he pay with money orders?" I thought for a second and said, "but, of course" this one sounded more like Gilligan saying it. He says, "Damn! he just ripped off half the stores in the mall with fake money orders!" I looked at the guy . .. looked back at the glass doors . . . and said, "hmm, that sucks."
Later that day my Manager, Tony, walked in and saw the sale in his in-box. He approached me and said, "way to go, Dan! I've taught you well." Remember, Sales Managers have egos the size of a small humpback whale so it's all about them all the time. Being the "way too nice guy" that I am, I said, "well, I'm worried that the sale will not go through." I explained what happened and Tony sat at his desk looking at the money orders closely. He finally stated in as plain a speak as anyone would, "welp, a sale's a sale." He put the money orders and paperwork in the bank bag that goes to the corporate office and zipped it up. I turned and walked back to the front of the store and began to front pump the hottest tune in my repertoire . . . Girl from Impanema.
I got paid my commission in my next paycheck and by the time the next pay period came around Corporate was threatening to take the commission back because the money orders turned out to be fake. Tony and I defended the sale and stated our case. How would I know they were fake? Corporate ended up writing it off begrudgingly.
I never found out if they caught the thief of possibly middle eastern descent, but I did wonder every now and then whether his family enjoyed standing around their new hobby organ watching him play When the Saints Go Marching In using the Rhumba style auto rhythm.
By the way . . . . the title of this post is the punchline to a well-known keyboard salesperson vaudeville style joke . . .
Phil: "Hey Joe."
Joe: "Yeh Phil?"
Phil: "Last Sunday a streaker ran through the church during services."
Joe: "Really. What happened?" . . . aaannnd punchline
I sat down at the midline model of Technics organs and played him a spectacular version of Down by the Riverside with the backup band playing in a New Orleans style dixieland band swing including scooping the notes to give him the autoplay ride of his life. He let me get to the final closing kick (done flawlessly by the organ Ending button.) He immediately said, "yes, I'd like to buy this one." This is what in salesmen's vernacular is called a "lay down" (I understand the history of that phrase comes from the act of asking a girl if she would like to have sex with you and she immediately removes her clothing, lays down in front of you, and spreads her legs. Now you have a good understanding of how rare an occurrence this is in sales terms.)
I tried not to act too surprised and fell back on my training again and delivered a rarely used closer . . . "Great! How would you like to pay for it?" he asked, "Do you take money orders?" All I heard was "Do you take blah blah blah blah?" because in my head the words "but, of course" were already formed in my mouth.
I sat down at the table and began to ask him for his contact information, he said "Let me complete it for you." Remember, the customer is always right. So I handed him the contract and waited patiently for him to complete it. He handed me the order form and the money orders. I was trying very hard not to have the shit eating grin on my face that would perfectly express my emotions. He then asked, "would you help me take it to my car?" My eyebrows went straight up because we usually have to setup delivery and wait until the day it is delivered and signed for before we get paid our commission. Having someone come in and buy an organ and then walk out with it was money in the bank. I said, "but, of course" more like John Cleese that time.
I placed the same organ I demonstrated on a cart unplugged it and rolled it into the mall following him to the glass doors on the other side of the mall. I looked a bit ridiculous, but I was used to that (refer back to the definition of "front pumping.") He held the door for me and his car was already illegally parked at the curb. He opened the door and I carefully placed it in his car. I then waved goodbye to him, his wife, his new organ, and all of the bags of goodies they had bought in the mall as they all rode off together into the sunset. I walked back in the glass doors carrying the cart back to the store. Done deal. Sweet!!
Just then, not ten steps back in the mall, a guy runs up to me with a walkie talkie in his hands gasping for breath. He says, "that guy you just helped out with the keyboard" gasp gasp "did he pay with money orders?" I thought for a second and said, "but, of course" this one sounded more like Gilligan saying it. He says, "Damn! he just ripped off half the stores in the mall with fake money orders!" I looked at the guy . .. looked back at the glass doors . . . and said, "hmm, that sucks."
Later that day my Manager, Tony, walked in and saw the sale in his in-box. He approached me and said, "way to go, Dan! I've taught you well." Remember, Sales Managers have egos the size of a small humpback whale so it's all about them all the time. Being the "way too nice guy" that I am, I said, "well, I'm worried that the sale will not go through." I explained what happened and Tony sat at his desk looking at the money orders closely. He finally stated in as plain a speak as anyone would, "welp, a sale's a sale." He put the money orders and paperwork in the bank bag that goes to the corporate office and zipped it up. I turned and walked back to the front of the store and began to front pump the hottest tune in my repertoire . . . Girl from Impanema.
I got paid my commission in my next paycheck and by the time the next pay period came around Corporate was threatening to take the commission back because the money orders turned out to be fake. Tony and I defended the sale and stated our case. How would I know they were fake? Corporate ended up writing it off begrudgingly.
I never found out if they caught the thief of possibly middle eastern descent, but I did wonder every now and then whether his family enjoyed standing around their new hobby organ watching him play When the Saints Go Marching In using the Rhumba style auto rhythm.
By the way . . . . the title of this post is the punchline to a well-known keyboard salesperson vaudeville style joke . . .
Phil: "Hey Joe."
Joe: "Yeh Phil?"
Phil: "Last Sunday a streaker ran through the church during services."
Joe: "Really. What happened?" . . . aaannnd punchline
Is eBay Worth It Anymore?
I just posted a few items on eBay tonight for the first time in many years. I used to have items on eBay constantly back in 1998-2000 and got a bunch of hits and bids and made some excellent spending money. I actually found it to be fun. Now there just seems to be very few bidders out there, the fees are higher and higher, and all of it is so automated that I'm not even sure if I ended up profiting from investing my time and effort into the process. It's more like an online flea market than an online yard sale. Now you can't even trust anyone to send you a check anymore or even a cashiers check or money order because you can't trust them anymore. OH! That reminds me of a story (see my next post) ... .
Naming the Crisis
Here's what I posted on the NPR site last night in response to their segment on what to name the economic crisis:
I had a hard time trying to find one that fits all of the areas of this crisis (housing, auto, banks, stock market, unemployment, etc.) but here are three that seem to fit:
1. The Great Repossession - with the foreclosures and credit defaults, bankruptcies, and even job losses. It seems America has been living beyond its means so the repo man has come to claim the property.
2. The Great Downsizing - when you go to a smaller home you down size. With all the layoffs companies are downsizing. We all are downsizing our spending and desires to buy. It's like termites have been eating at the foundation of our economy and the whole house is starting to collapse around us like a "Great Implosion".
and my favorite
3. The Great Awakening - so many have been so focused on living the American Dream that they finally got the wakeup call to reality. The new administration may help us see the light and get past the nightmare that we are experiencing. We all are experiencing a new consciousness and now working on nursing our hangover after partying a bit too much. It seems like we've been oblivious to what's been going on and the election certainly rattled awake those that were still hitting the snooze button.
I had a hard time trying to find one that fits all of the areas of this crisis (housing, auto, banks, stock market, unemployment, etc.) but here are three that seem to fit:
1. The Great Repossession - with the foreclosures and credit defaults, bankruptcies, and even job losses. It seems America has been living beyond its means so the repo man has come to claim the property.
2. The Great Downsizing - when you go to a smaller home you down size. With all the layoffs companies are downsizing. We all are downsizing our spending and desires to buy. It's like termites have been eating at the foundation of our economy and the whole house is starting to collapse around us like a "Great Implosion".
and my favorite
3. The Great Awakening - so many have been so focused on living the American Dream that they finally got the wakeup call to reality. The new administration may help us see the light and get past the nightmare that we are experiencing. We all are experiencing a new consciousness and now working on nursing our hangover after partying a bit too much. It seems like we've been oblivious to what's been going on and the election certainly rattled awake those that were still hitting the snooze button.
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