They Caught Him by the Organ

So back in 1993 or 1994 I worked at Jordan Kitts Music in the Springfield Mall selling pianos and organs. The store isn't there anymore and I think JKM went bankrupt. In any case, it was a typical weekend day. I was "front pumping" (the fine art of playing fun tunes at the front of the store to attract attention to how easy it is to play the hobby organ with just a couple of fingers -- I was an expert at it.) A gentleman of middle eastern descent, from what I could tell, walks up to me and asks whether we carry the Technics line of organs. I said, "but of course" (in my finest Grey Poupon accent) and did as I was trained . . . turn away from the customer, begin walking to the back of the store, wave your hand in a come hither manner over your shoulder, and never, ever look back. If you look back you are allowing the customer the opportunity to say "nevermind" and walk in the opposite direction. Trust me it works everytime. I've only seen a few rare instances that the salesperson ends up in the back of the store alone wondering where their customer went.

I sat down at the midline model of Technics organs and played him a spectacular version of Down by the Riverside with the backup band playing in a New Orleans style dixieland band swing including scooping the notes to give him the autoplay ride of his life. He let me get to the final closing kick (done flawlessly by the organ Ending button.) He immediately said, "yes, I'd like to buy this one." This is what in salesmen's vernacular is called a "lay down" (I understand the history of that phrase comes from the act of asking a girl if she would like to have sex with you and she immediately removes her clothing, lays down in front of you, and spreads her legs. Now you have a good understanding of how rare an occurrence this is in sales terms.)

I tried not to act too surprised and fell back on my training again and delivered a rarely used closer . . . "Great! How would you like to pay for it?" he asked, "Do you take money orders?" All I heard was "Do you take blah blah blah blah?" because in my head the words "but, of course" were already formed in my mouth.

I sat down at the table and began to ask him for his contact information, he said "Let me complete it for you." Remember, the customer is always right. So I handed him the contract and waited patiently for him to complete it. He handed me the order form and the money orders. I was trying very hard not to have the shit eating grin on my face that would perfectly express my emotions. He then asked, "would you help me take it to my car?" My eyebrows went straight up because we usually have to setup delivery and wait until the day it is delivered and signed for before we get paid our commission. Having someone come in and buy an organ and then walk out with it was money in the bank. I said, "but, of course" more like John Cleese that time.

I placed the same organ I demonstrated on a cart unplugged it and rolled it into the mall following him to the glass doors on the other side of the mall. I looked a bit ridiculous, but I was used to that (refer back to the definition of "front pumping.") He held the door for me and his car was already illegally parked at the curb. He opened the door and I carefully placed it in his car. I then waved goodbye to him, his wife, his new organ, and all of the bags of goodies they had bought in the mall as they all rode off together into the sunset. I walked back in the glass doors carrying the cart back to the store. Done deal. Sweet!!

Just then, not ten steps back in the mall, a guy runs up to me with a walkie talkie in his hands gasping for breath. He says, "that guy you just helped out with the keyboard" gasp gasp "did he pay with money orders?" I thought for a second and said, "but, of course" this one sounded more like Gilligan saying it. He says, "Damn! he just ripped off half the stores in the mall with fake money orders!" I looked at the guy . .. looked back at the glass doors . . . and said, "hmm, that sucks."

Later that day my Manager, Tony, walked in and saw the sale in his in-box. He approached me and said, "way to go, Dan! I've taught you well." Remember, Sales Managers have egos the size of a small humpback whale so it's all about them all the time. Being the "way too nice guy" that I am, I said, "well, I'm worried that the sale will not go through." I explained what happened and Tony sat at his desk looking at the money orders closely. He finally stated in as plain a speak as anyone would, "welp, a sale's a sale." He put the money orders and paperwork in the bank bag that goes to the corporate office and zipped it up. I turned and walked back to the front of the store and began to front pump the hottest tune in my repertoire . . . Girl from Impanema.

I got paid my commission in my next paycheck and by the time the next pay period came around Corporate was threatening to take the commission back because the money orders turned out to be fake. Tony and I defended the sale and stated our case. How would I know they were fake? Corporate ended up writing it off begrudgingly.

I never found out if they caught the thief of possibly middle eastern descent, but I did wonder every now and then whether his family enjoyed standing around their new hobby organ watching him play When the Saints Go Marching In using the Rhumba style auto rhythm.

By the way . . . . the title of this post is the punchline to a well-known keyboard salesperson vaudeville style joke . . .
Phil: "Hey Joe."
Joe: "Yeh Phil?"
Phil: "Last Sunday a streaker ran through the church during services."
Joe: "Really. What happened?" . . . aaannnd punchline